I needed to have an outlet besides posting on Instagram or wanting to even think about the algorithm. It’s late, I’m in Michigan. Saginaw, to be exact. I’m listening to Cat Power “Sea of Love”. I put on her song before “Metal Heart” which is always a good song to make me feel okay that Im feeling the way Im feeling, usually sad or depressed.
I came back from New York with a fresh recharge and a realization that what I’m in is a lot bigger than me, and that “No shit, Im depressed”, is actually a normal reaction.
I picked my brother from school and had to take him to his Dentist appointment at 2:50pm(? weird time!) and we got there like 9mins late and the Dentist or cleaning person was waiting at the desk, (I could tell she was bummed we were late). I could’ve cared less since for my life right now, being late was the least of my worries. They also said my brother needed to bring an ID/ paperwork filled out before, so now we would have to reschedule. “Great, now 1,001 things to do…) So it was completely out of the question to proceed with his appointment since we were late and werent “ready”. This surprise is one of many continuous “Life” stuff that comes up, every single day. And its not just normal, this is absurd how often it happens.
Yesterday another mishap, was realizing the laundry my mom left in the washer had been there all day and then to find out that all the clothes are still dirty since my mom threw dirty undies and also decided to do the Laundry. “But Dave, why is your Mother with Cancer doing the Laundry, shouldnt that be a Caregiver’s responsibility?”….RIGHT. You tell me why she decided to throw in the dirty clothes when she know she cant finish what she started. I know, sounds harsh, but I’ve told her to not touch it, even if its a mess. I needed to sort and frankly, she cant clean properly now with her current health with her Cancer. I had to do it twice since they werent still clean.
Thats another thing, she broke her arm while closing the bathroom door while sitting on the toilet last week. Within like 45mins of returning home from U of M hospital in Ann Arbor.
Get home, and boom, broken bone. I was taking care of my brother at the same time that this happened. I was washing him up since he just got home from school.
I’m writing this to get this shit outta me. I haven’t had a space or time to create a space properly in this house to create properly. Theres two disabled people that need help, and with my Moms experiencing worse and worse symptoms due to her Cancer, it makes my life, hard to plan, hard to take a moment to be still, not have to explain everyone everything explaining “why didnt this get done”, “why isnt this organized?” “why dont you have a job?” “Did Mark get fed?”
Living here makes me feel incompetent. There is no schedule, no consideration for human depletion. Makes me think of all the horrible work experiences that no manager or higher ups does anything. Or can they. Im not saying my Mom or other family members, its all and everyone. I know thats a blanket statement but you don’t know what I’ve been thru, and if you experienced what I have, you would agree how I feel, act and decide how to move forward.
No one in my family thinks I can or get depressed. I am tired of explaining everything I’ve done to justify the pain I feel, the emotions I feel, the physical overwhelm, etc. Just because I look fine on the outside, doesn’t mean shit.
I’ve wanted to commit suicide, I’ve always thought of it since like 13. There I said it. Let it be sad. Be empathetic, yeah, people who you wouldnt expect, want to leave this place.
I don’t want to leave this place Earth, I just want to be where my community is at. I know I just moved back officially but I really dont see myself living in Saginaw, even with my Mom truthfully. My brother needs friends, places to see, same with my Mom. I went to New York to learn how to take care of my Family in a weird way. I mean I went there for Art School, but coming home this January to take on this Caregiving role, I realized how all the jobs, all my really intense experiences, hardened me to be able to have the strength I have now. And even me moving forward regardless of Uncertainty. That is the name of the game, its all uncertain, till its not…
I’m just really overwhelmed about all the computer admin tasks, being a present and caring older brother (Sunday I took Mark to the Pumpkin patch and we got a big pumpkin to paint :), cleaning, moving stuff to organize, repairing things, maintaining the house, worrying about the quality of water and wanting to implement or get a new filter/ look into the water problem WE JUST GOT IN THE MAIL!!! YIKES.
I live a different life than what my parents expect, what society expects or tells people to live, my friends, and the people on the internet.
I have ADHD, I can get severely depressed when socially isolated, I am very poor at applying online, registering, anything that requires me to sit for an extended period of time, even DRAWING IS HARD TO SIT MY ASS DOWN.
Maybe I “failed” at living a “Normal” life, but I never wanted that. I somehow am living the life I wanted, even though Im on a detour right now. I don’t want to get a salary, I don’t want to have PTO, I will never have PTO actually, cuz I can give myself as much PTO and my future employees/ friends/ community as much as they need for themselves.
Give me an Art opening, a serendipitous encounter, a chance to surprise with kindness, a coffee from a coffee cart, a park bench, and Im a happy camper. Of course these won’t directly pay my bills, but I have already experienced that when I gamble on myself, the pay off is more than what money could give. Self-confidence, faith, patience, free-will to try again. I do believe that if I follow my passions, the money will come. It came in the form of a Comic, a commission, a drawing, a painting, an experience.
Not having a job or a “Normal” job/ life I learned what my Rhythyms are. What David needs. Listening quietly to my mind, body and soul. Genuinely. I have realized thru this that not all money is good money. You can keep your money! ☺️
Anywho, GOODNIGHT 😘 🌙 💤
